Isaiah 64

Yep, that's what I was reading when I wrote this following poem. More of a prayer, actually, but anyways, as I read that passage today, it felt as though I were watching the words being written down for it in the Prophet Isaiah's hand over 2,000 years ago.

"Silent Letters"
by Neil Mullins


These silent letters
form the words
that form the sentences
that form the verses
written down from Heaven
from the voice of God.

Oh God, I pray to You,
I ask You, please instill Your Word in me...
let me drink in these passages
like water from an oasis,
and do not beseech me
when I set my eyes upon them.

Show me where I have erred from Your ways
and show me where I can take comfort in Your grace
let not my heart interpret where it wishes
but speak to it and heal it, restore it
with these silent letters
that form the words from the mouth of God.

Divine Wrath

OK, so I was listening to a track on the Matrix Reloaded album called "Furious Angels", a techno/orchestral mix by Rob Dougan. Pretty good stuff, and it inspired me to write a poem on the subject...

Angels' Fury
by Neil Mullins

i can imagine it all now
a sight too awesome for my eyes to behold
a multitude of angels dressed in light and glory
their eyes aflame and their hearts so bold

they are all standing ready to do one thing
to receive God's orders for the outpouring of wrath
upon those who have gone in favor of undermining
the faithful ones on earth, these who are on His path

and yet i also see opposite this vision another sight
of angels fallen and ready to fight
though certainly not to death, for they're already dead inside
no, they fight for our souls to which they have lied

the head of God's army, Michael, receives the call
from the Son, who is now the Lion and not the Lamb
and so the ranks, so massive and tall
proceed forward, with swords drawn, over the land

the battle (already won) begins...

Kinda Morbid I Suppose

This following poem could be considered to be morbid. And I would tell you the story behind it, but that story is still in progress, and I consider it to be a hot situation, currently (though it is rapidly cooling). If you really want the full story, contact me in a different way other than through this blog. Thanks.

"Stillborn Hope"
by Neil Mullins

An out-of-pace heart
Once found something new in the mind
And, taking hold of it, it seduced this thing...
Then, it started to produce hope, started to pine...

But this thing, not being based
In the Real Truth that the heart believed at the core
When this thing was traced...
Still, the hope came, but it was, and is stillborn.

False white hopes
They plague our hearts so much
And when they are found
It's like a punch in the face, a kick in the head

In all truth and actuality
This heart of which I speak was mine
And though everything else was A-O.K.
It was when I started to pine... that I felt far from God

But then my saved soul reached out
And found His hand, and I found
The real, true, and great wondrous Hope
In His Love, and Mercy that lasts to the end.

Cosmic Bowling

I went cosmic bowling last night... it was a lot of fun, even though I sucked major (60, 59, and 54). But I really got a kick out of seeing one of the guys in the study I lead play... Randy did very well, taking the top score for the group that night, 202. Good job, man. (It's a leadership thing; to take pride in your guys, you know?) Anyhoo, I'd been wanting to write a poem this week about several things, and I really wanted to write it last night at the bowling alley, but God didn't have that in mind for me. It all came together this morning, though. Here it is.

"Cosmos"
by Neil Mullins

Have you ever seen a mountain,
shrouded in cloud,
and looking at its base, wondered aloud,
"Why can't I see the peak,
in all of its white glory?"

Or have you ever stared at the heavens
during the night
and searching for an end (or beginning) of light, asked God,
"Why can't I see you,
in all of your ultimate glory?"

And yet, after asking these questions,
it's true, I've found
that the glory of God is everywhere, all around,
in this grand chaos that is the cosmos
and He will not abandon us, for we are made
in His glory.

Jazz on Brown Paper

Yesterday I picked up a new soundtrack album to one of my favorite movies, Finding Forrester. It is mainly a compilation of compositions by Miles Davis and a few other jazz artists. I had never sat down and listened to jazz music just for the sake of listening to it before, and well... its effect on me was quite interesting. I found it to be mysteriously entrancing, and yet it had a familiar groove to it. Well, some words and phrases started coming to mind about it and I wrote a poem about it on a piece of a brown paper bag that holds tortilla chips from Chipotle. Here is the poem:

"Tell Me, Jazz Player"
by Neil Mullins

I see a man with a trumpet
Sitting down to a clarinet and bass
He lets out a long sigh
From whatever mood he's in...
I know he's a Jazz Player. Mmm-hm!

Tell me, o Jazz Player,
Why does your music sound so wise,
Yet foolish at times as well?
And how can you play simultaneously
For Heaven, Earth, and Hell?

Tell me, o Jazz Player,
Why your notes are so blue
When the atmosphere they create is so red?
And how do you let your measures flow
As mere thoughts from your head?

The group finishes their set
And the trumpeter goes away
The bassist sticks around...
I ask him why he do what he do
As the question lingers, I hear him say,

"Cuz' jazz is for everyone, man...
Great and small
Rich and poor
Me and you."

Rescued

I wrote this poem yesterday. The mental images in the poem have been in my head for a long while... probably two to three years.

"The Pit"
by Neil Mullins

This hole...
This dark, unending hole
Becomes this heated chasm
Known as the abyss...

Standing on the edge
And fear is drawing me in
The earth crumbles 'neath my feet
I fall...

Falling...
Flailing and thrashing out
My eyes turn upward to where I once was
A crag finds my hand...

Holding on for my life...
I'm at the lowest of my low
Feel this burning sensation in my feet
Thinking the end is near...

But a had of light...
Reaches down for my sweaty palms
A voice telling me to grab on
I risk it all and take hold...

To find myself...
Being lifted up out of the pit
Becoming restored
And looking at He who is my savior...

Watts

No, I'm not talking about units of power. I'm talking about the city of Watts, located in South Central Los Angeles. A couple of friends and I went there today to visit the Watts Towers of Simon Rodia, which is, in fact, a State Historic Park operated by L.A. County Parks Dept. It was quite an experience, to say the least. Nice little amphitheater in the park for us to sit down in and just view the Towers from there. Plenty of time for pictures, drawing, and writing; despite the fact that when I got out my camera, I found out that the viewfinder glass had broke... dangit. But anywho, I got to sit down and write a poem that I had come up with the idea for several weeks back... and here it is. A little more secular than my last two entries, but I like it anyhow. All in all we had a worthwhile adventure today.

"Nothing Like Hollywood"
by Neil Mullins

Los Angeles...

L.A.'s not what you think it is
Ain't glamour, movie stars, or fame...
Ain't about the money, either
Even though some play the bling game

Life here is like life anywhere
Street baseball in the 'burbs
Traffic jams all over the place
And kids eatin' PBJ on the curb

So when you come down to the Basin
Check your reality and don't let it blur
'Cuz when you do that you'll see the real beauty of L.A.
Not the materials, but the people inside her

L.A.'s nothin' like Hollywood, no
Ain't no false love here
Our love for this city and our roots in it is deep
Just ekin' out a life with God and no fear... can be good.

Raining...

The following is a poem I wrote tonight (Jan. 4) at PomonaCrusade's local hangout on Thursday nights, a place simply known as "Coffee" (yes, it's a coffee shop, and way better than Charbuck's...); and on a further note, most of the poems I post here could probably be turned into songs, but I have no music for them, like I said before...

"Rain"
by Neil Mullins

Rain...
Sweet, innocent rain...
They say grace falls down like it
Oh, rain...

Rain...
Falling down on everyone
Those who deserve it and those who don't
Oh, rain...

Fall down on me!
Soak me through to the core!
Of my innermost being, my soul
For I have grown weary of this drought
Here on the floor... of this wilderness

Oh, rain, rain, rain...
The sweet smell of that which takes away my pain...

Waiting...

The following is a poem that I wrote while stuck in a broken jet at the gate at OC's John Wayne Airport... (last Thursday, 12/28/06) kind of like a song, except I have no tune in my head for it...

"Waiting"
by Neil Mullins

I'm stuck here on this airliner
On the tarmac
You'd think a bird that is able to fly
Could get off the ground

I'm stuck here in life, too
Though I never thought I'd get this far
But now there's decisions to make
Life changes aren't that hard

So I'm waiting (for what?)
I'm waiting to jump
Yes, I'm waiting (for what?)
I'm waiting for God to move me

Like a pawn on a chess board
I take life one step at a time
It's not like the army's "hurry up and wait"
So much as it is being you in line

So I'm waiting...

A Brave Little Bird...

(White-Crowned Sparrow)

Theme Song: Blessed Be Your Name

OK, so it was Thursday afternoon last week, and I was heading out of my last session of Calculus before finals to my van so I could go home. And everything is going well. Sun has set, it's cooler than the dry heat I had in the afternoon, I was listening to a good song on my MP3 player, and I don't have to worry about dragging myself through another Calculus lecture for awhile. Anyhoo, I was about 40 feet away from my van when, from out of the corner of my right eye, I see this blur of feathers and wings dive "thunk!" straight into a car 3 cars down from mine, bounce of the back windshield, and land smack in the middle of the road in the parking lot. Well, that pretty much stopped my mood and made me wake up because I was startled by the event. Concerned, I went to the place where he had landed and squatted down to take a look.

He had survived! I don't know how he did it (must have been doing 40 mph or so when he hit the car), but he was alive and in one piece. He hadn't even broken a wing (when he hit, I think his right side made contact first). I was also amazed at how he came to dive into a car so fast, and out of control as well. But, at the present moment, it wasn't my primary concern. He was still in the middle of the road! Thankfully, it was late in the day and there were hardly any cars going through to run him over. Still, I was concerned for the little guy, and felt sorry for him. I didn't want to pick him up for fear of catching some disease or getting my hand pecked to death, so I gently nudged him over to the side of the road, letting him catch his breath every few moments. He was one exhausted little flier. Finally, he got up enough strength (and fear of me, I think) to fly back to his home tree, where I heard others of his fellows making quite a racket for all they were worth in the late afternoon hours.

Little did I know how much of an impact that story would have on my life. This past week has been utter chaos for me, as I have had to sweat some hard finals and figure out some things about myself due to my performance in those classes that I had the hard finals in. The story for me, simply, is this: I failed 2 classes out of the 4 classes and a lab that I originally signed up for in the beginning of the quarter, namely Vector Statics (ME 214) and Calculus III (MAT 116). When I realized this, I kind of panicked. I had never done that badly before. I let my parents know about the situation, and they said they were OK with it. It started me thinking, though, on where I was in life and where I was going. I came to several realizations:

1. Realization: I am tired of having to take classes several times over just to pass them. I have already retaken Calculus I (MAT 114). If I were to continue on my current plan for my major in Civil Engineering, I would have to retake Calculus III (MAT 116) and Vector Statics (ME 214, a class with a 50% fail rate. That's right. 50%.) over again, as well as other courses like Vector Dynamics (ME 215, 80% fail rate), Strengths of Materials (ME 218), and Hydraulics (CE-whatever it is).

2. Realization: I am tired of attempting to get in to a core course for Civil Engineering 2, 3, or 4 times, and still not getting in. This has happened with several courses: Elementary Surveying (CE 134/L, a gateway course that starts a small series of other related courses; which I tried to register for 4 times and crash it when it started twice, and I never got in), Computers in Civil Engineering (CE 210/L, which I got into after trying to register for it 3 times), and Engineering Economics (CE 301, 3 tries and no successes)

3. Generally accepted as fact: The Civil Engineering department at Cal Poly Pomona is over-burdened. I have found out from my fellow CEs that we have taken on way too many students in the past few years and that we have not hired on enough new faculty. We have hired on some, but it's not enough. Add to this the fact that the head of the department was on sabbatical this Fall Quarter, taking management classes so he could learn how to run the department better. My own academic advisor, who is known to be one of the best teachers in the department, took over for him, and from what I heard, she ran things very well. Anyways, with these factors, it is clear that my staying in this department will likely keep me in school for up to 7 academic years instead of the 5 I had originally opted for.

4. Realization: Just because I have the mind of an engineer does not mean that I have to apply those thinking processes to engineering. My dad is a Senior Electrical Engineer for a county-level government facility. He has been an EE all of my life (graduated from CSULB in 1978, married my mom that year and had me in 1986), and because of him, the thought processes of an engineer were instilled in me. And yes, I could be an engineer in any field because of that. But that does not mean that I will love what I do when I get there. Ergo, I think I can still apply myself mentally in other areas and do just as well, and enjoy doing it.

5. Realization: Just because God is opening up doors for engineering projects to progress, such as High-Speed Rail, does not mean that those doors are mine to walk through. This is probably the most profound thing that God showed me in this past week. I mean, for nearly all of my life, I have wanted to get into the railroad industry. It started when I was very little, and I wanted to drive the trains. When I was in high school, however, I found out that that sort of career would not give me good chances for a good social life--that is, a wife and kids. (I have wanted this since about Freshman year of college). So, I looked at other ways to break into the industry and still have what I wanted. I examined Mechanical Engineering, Industrial Design, even Business. But Civil Engineering attracted me the most because it had the best chances of getting hired by a RR company out of the other choices, and it meant that I could design the layouts of the track and the bridges and etcetera. So when I started applying to Colleges, that was what I selected for my major. I took this idea to God. And God approved of this plan, which included entering the High-Speed Rail Industry after graduation; and glorifying Him with it through showing people that with God, all things are possible. So, I went down this path, for awhile. But now, because of this bomb of a quarter (failing those two classes), I think that I am at a crossroads, and that, if I continue on my current trajectory, there will be more pain and suffering (academically) than I will be able to bear. God is leading me down a different path, and I am going to trust Him to open the doors for me as I walk along it with Him. (More on the different path later.)

6. Realization: Just because God has given me a great and wonderful passion for railroads does not mean that railroads are my life; living for God and to do His will is my life. (Enough said there.)

7. Realization: Just because I am an ENTJ does not mean a darn thing. Yeah, the Meyers-Briggs Test is fun, and for me it's cool to explore because it's a system and I like systems, but in the end, the results mean absolutely NOTHING. Who I'm compatible with, how I interact with people, what I do with myself, all of that I do not need to worry about. God's taking care of that stuff for me, so as long as I trust in Him and speak as He leads me to, I just don't need to worry or care about all of this personality type crap.

SO......

After all of these realizations and talking with God (and others in God) about them, here then is my new course of action: I am changing my major from Civil Engineering to Geography, with the option of Geographic Information Systems (GIS), in which I can still attain a Bachelor of Science degree (as compared to Bachelor of Arts). This will happen next quarter, and will take a little finagling, but I don't mind it. Bonus from this change is that at the latest I will be out of school in Spring of 2009, right on time for a 5-year plan. But I might be out even earlier.

Now, harking back to the story about the sparrow at the top (which is true, but we're gonna put a metaphorical and spiritual spin on it here): I was the sparrow. I hit the car at an unbelievable speed, and fell to the ground (failing those 2 classes this quarter). Somehow, I have survived unhurt. But since I am still on my present course (Civil Engineering), I am still in the middle of the road, trying to catch my breath from what just hit me. Along comes God (me in the real story). He sees me (and has seen it all happen just the way He planned it to) and takes pity on me, and so out of His love and His grace for me, he picked me right up (as opposed to me nudging the bird with my shoe), told me where to fly to, and off I went, straight to where he wanted me to be socially, spiritually, and mentally; and right along with my other fellow followers that were in the same place, all making a joyous racket about Him and His grace. In conclusion, during this quarter, much love and grace has been shown to me. And though there was pain and toil in it, you see, everything has gone according to His plan, and all for His glory. (Speaking in rhymes there and I just don't care... :-) )

There. That's all for this entry. If you've read this far, thanks for reading.

A Psalm of Encouragement

Well, FI-NAL-LY!!!"
Some of you may say as you read this post. Yeah, I haven't posted in about 6 months. But I still have this account, and for those of you who do keep tabs on it (if anyone out there does), I have finally found something short enough that is definitely worth posting.

This weekend, I went on my Crusade's annual Fall Retreat to Imperial Beach, CA (which, if any of you have been down there, feels like the edge of civilization, especially in the evening; it's the Southernmost beach on the U.S. West Coast). It was loads of fun, of course, and God was there, and that was wonderful, etc, etc. (Yeah. Typical canned statement about experiencing God at a retreat. I know.) But here's what God did show me in the brief time that he was there:

1) His faithfulness.
Whenever one stays right on the beach for a retreat, of course one is going to hear waves. It's
a natural occurrence there. So I was kinda chewing on it in my head on Friday night when I
arrived there, and thinking about how assuring it was to have God be faithful to us 100% of
the time when we are in a relationship with Him, even though we are not always that faithful
to Him. The next morning (Saturday), our speaker's first talk was on the greatness of God,
and we talked in pairs during that time about miracles God had done in our lives recently. For
me, it was kind of hard to put my example into a flowing statement, but I got it out anyways.
I am digressing here, however. After the speaker finished his talk, we went into individual
quiet times with God. And I thought again about His faithfulness, only this time as part of His
greatness. While I was thinking about this I looked out and saw the waves and came to a
prime picture about God: that His faithfulness is unceasing, like the waves coming in on the
shore. God inspired me to start writing about that, and this is what came out, in about 15
minutes time.

A Psalm of Encouragement
1 Look to the Lord
along the shore,
2 Behold! His faithfulness
is never ceasing, yes;
3 As unceasing as
the crashing of waves.

4 And look to the Lord
from the top of the mountain,
5 Behold! His strength
will lift you up, yes;
6 As the wind lifts
an eagle's wings.

7 Look to the Lord, again,
in the desert place,
8 Behold! He will lead you
through the wilderness, yes;
9 To find that oasis of life,
that is, His son, Jesus.

10 Look to the Lord now,
in the fertile valley,
11 Behold! His providence
is ever abundant, yes;
12 As increasing as
the reaching grapevine.

13 Look to the Lord
in the starry stillness of night,
14 And behold! He knows
all of those stars by name, yes;
15 And does He not know you, by name?
He knows all of you.

16 Look to the Lord
in all that you do, wherever you are,
17 And Behold! His power
will never, ever fail you, yes;
18 And He will never, ever leave you,
for He is yours, and you are His.
Amen.

2) If one walks along the beach looking for shells, one of the more common types you will find is the Mussel. It is small, shaped like half of a heart, and black on the outside. But, if you look inside an empty one, you find this amazing layer of pearlescent coating. The reason for this is that, when the animal lived in the shell, it made things amazingly smooth inside. It got comfortable in there.
This reminded me alot about a life with Jesus as one's Lord and Savior. Everyone, regardless of who we are, where we come from, and whatever society labels "define" us as, has sinned, and fallen short of God's greatness. Because of this, our hearts are hardened towards Him and towards others. In this way we are very much like the Mussel, in that we have a black coat of sin on the outside, which we always wear. But, if you have Jesus as Lord and savior in your life, and allow Him to do that in your heart, mind, body, and soul, you also become as the inside of a Mussel shell. This is because Jesus makes himself comfortable in there, and through his glory manifested in you, your heart becomes less deceiving, your thoughts more pure, your body, well... (ok kind of hard for me to put a word on that one), and your soul more like what He intends it to be: towards Him, knowing Him, and loving Him.
But then, you say, what about the fact that we still sin? Well, that's where God's faithfulness through His grace comes in. You see, because of His Grace through Jesus' death on the cross, our sins are forgiven. And, since He is 100% faithful to us 100% of the time, that grace is bestowed to us every time we sin. Therefore, we are becoming more like the inside of the Mussel shell on the outside as well as the inside because His grace refines and polishes us (this is not to say, however, that we should go on sinning; that grace should wean us off of sin, not increase it).
And to think that, later on this weekend, I found a Mussel shell that had had most of its black coat taken off by something or other. I picked it up and found that the pearlescent layer beneath was amazingly pure and uncracked. Just more evidence that the bonds of God's glory and grace in our lives are very hard to break; indeed, that is impossible. Quite mind-boggling, God sometimes is... but I don't mind. I'd rather just enjoy the ride.

SoCal's (Crazy?) Weather

Music Theme: "Storm Front" from Billy Joel's "Storm Front" album

Holy fill-in-the-blank, Batman!

Well, today my parents came up to school at about Noon to give me back my van (it had been in the shop), and also to take me out to lunch. We went to a restaurant called Millie's, which has a diverse menu of excellent food. Anyways, on the way there it started raining and it seemed like it was hailing as well. But the "hail" was small and sof and broke upon contact with the windshield. My mom pointed out that it was snow. I thought, No, it couldn't be. We talked about for a few moments and concluded that it was freezing rain, or sleet. I think it was sleet. The closest thing to snow.

OH. MY. GOSH. SLEET! THE NEXT CLOSEST THING TO SNOW!

Now, for those of you that don't know or have an ideal of what SoCal weather should be like, it isn't what you think it is. It can be quite... wierd. It's not sunny and clear all year. For a better part of the year, it is, but we can get rain (which turns drivers on the freeways into maniacs moreso than usual) hot and dry desert winds (aka "Santa Anas", which mess with one's allergies, ugh), and cold overcast stuff that won't give you a single drop of rain, even when you need it. Still, it does not snow often in the lower elevations of SoCal; in fact it's quite rare, so even when we get something close, like hail or sleet, it's a miracle, or darn near so.

The whole sleet fall took about 10 minutes and wasn't much, but it was fun to watch, and if the sun hadn't come out, we could've played in it. It's all a part of an Alaskan front moving through, which means its quite cold and rainy. I like the cold. Praise God for all sorts of weather!

Pictures

Here are the pictures for today's previous blog (somehow they would not load properly...)


Japanese Mitsubishi A6M "Zero"


American Grumman F4F Wildcat

Shot Up--But Landed Safely

Music Theme: "Memories" from the "Top Gun" Soundtrack (Extended)

During World War Two, in the opening months of the Pacific Theatre, the U.S. Navy's main carrier-borne fighter was fthe Grumman F4F Wildcat. It was a good little fighter, stubby but surprisingly maneuverable, and heavily armored. Those who flew it said that the fuselage could get shot up full of holes and they would still come back in one piece. Sadly though, it was soon discovered that its main opponent, the Japanese Mitsubishi A6M "Zero", could outperform it and outmaneuver it (for the most part). For these reasons it was highly inadvisable to dogfight a Zero, and if unavoidable, it was best to attack from above, by diving (the Wildcat could outdive the Zero). But another equally good tactic for pilots was to fly their Wildcats in pairs. This way, one could fire at a Zero and not worry about another getting on your tail, because your wingman could take care of that one. (I'm giving you this little history lesson so you can have some background on an analogy I'm getting out here.)

Well, yesterday I went out sharing the gospel (as I usually do each week), and this time my wingman was one of the Crusade Staff named Paul Nunez. We talked with 4 groups of people, and I initiated half of those talks. The first guy we came to didn't even want to talk because he didn't have time; he was studying for a final (Finals Week is next week, after all). The second group we came to was two guys, and they didn't have time, either, but I was able to give them a gospel tract for him to read and think over. Then we came up to another two guys, and Paul initiated this one. They didn't want to talk, but it turned out they were both in a youth group with a Calvary Chapel congregation. Anyways, we continued on. The last group of guys we talked to was a group of 4: 2 Chemistry majors, 1 Social Sciences major, and 1 Philosophy major. They were all upper-year undergraduates, and we had a very interesting conversation with them. In fact, we kind of got shot up. Heres how it went down...

Paul initiated the conversation, and we quickly found out that the leader of the group had gone to a Protestant church at one time, but he left it because he saw Christianity as condemning of other religions, specifically, the polytheistic systems that the Native Americans had before the Europeans came to North America (he was somewhat of Native American descent). He attempted to have his Philosophy friend speak for him, but that didn't work, and the discussion soon became a kind of free-for-all, with everyone throwing in their own two cents worth. Paul did most of the talking, and he put up a gallant front. As for myself, I went to God in prayer for protection and guidance as we talked, and I also patiently waited for my own turn to speak (which didn't come). Anyways, Paul and I both put up a good fight, but they threw every tack in the book at us. From relativism to Christianity vs. other religions to Christianity's views on homosexuality to the inaccuracy of the bible to evolution to the flood not happening globally... and other tacks I can't remember. It was intense. And we didn't even get to share the gospel with them. But when our time was up and we had to leave, they complemented us on our courage in going out there to talk to people like this (as they said, "it takes balls to talk to people like this"), and we thanked them for that; and I felt a little better after that, for a little while.

After the talk, Paul and I walked for a little bit and prayed for those guys as we were walking. When we were done with that, we talked about the discussion and concluded several things: 1) it was intense, 2) we didn't say or do anything wrong, no one was at fault for anything, 3) there were some things we could have improved upon, and 4) even though we think it might've not gone so well, we know it was all for God's glory. Then we went our separate ways, I to my dorm room and he to talk with Jim Kercheval, our campus director for Crusade. I got back alright, and did what I needed to do for the rest of the day. He got back alright as well. And even though the odds were 2:1 against us, I am very grateful to God (and to Paul, for being my wingman) that it wasn't 4:1 against!

To tie back into the information on the Wildcat, I fully realized why, in Crusade, we go out sharing in pairs: so that one wingman can protect the other. I also realized that we as Christians who are being continually refined in Christ can take a lot of hits and still survive, just like the Wildcat. And why not? For Christ Himself did tell us that we would be persecuted because of Him, and that we should be ready for it, that we will not go astray (John 15:18-26). Praise God for comfort in persecution and tough battles!

Leader in Christ (?)

Music Theme: "Anduril" from "LOTR: Return of the King" Soundtrack

Well, I suppose this first blog of mine here should be about my most recent experience of spiritual growth. Recently (within about the past year), I was challenged by my very good friend Ben to find myself. Specifically, to find myself over the summer break. I took him up on it. But over the summer... I got lazy. And I didn't do it at all. Instead, I came to the realization that, well, Jesus knows who I am, and He found me, and that's good enough for me. I then brought that back to this school year as an excuse for not finding myself. Bad move on my part...

So I start this year off hittin' the ground runnin', with things seeming to be alright. I started off my first year as a Bible Study Leader for Campus Crusade for Christ in Aliso Hall, with my very good friend Hobbit as Co-Leader. I was also in my own Bible Study, led by my very good friend Rabbit, and so far that has been amazing. But I kept putting off finding myself, and as a result, my relationships with other people started to falter. I couldn't seem to fit in with my friends or I felt like I was falling behind in updating my information on them. I was being very reactionary to a lot of things, including finding myself.

These were my protests to doing it:

1. It will take too long
2. It will cause me pain
3. I might not like the results

But these are all very lame protests/excuses, because I can find fault in each of them. In response to the first, well, if I keep procrastinating, it will take too long. As for #2, it will cause pain if I keep putting it off, but it won't cause pain if I at least start the process, because it is a journey of self-discovery, and I do like traveling. Finally, in regards to the last one, if I don't like the results, tough! But I don't have to keep myself that way. I can change things about myself if I feel they need changing. More importantly, I can change them if God tells me that they need changing, refining, eliminating, etc.

Now see, up until this point in time, I have not been able to describe myself in words (or rather, adjectives). Seriously. If you were to ask me in an interview or whatnot, "Describe Yourself," I simply would not be able to do it. You would be seeing me contort my face in confusion and frustration trying to find a good set of adjectives in order to respond. I'd be drawing blanks.

"How does this factor into your Relationship with God?" You ask. Good question. Well, to answer that, lets take a look at three things concerning that relationship.

1. God loves me. I'm cool with that.
2. He knows me. I'm down with that, too.
3. He has a plan for me. Definitely ok with that one!
4. In order for me to keep my relationship with God going, I need to show others His love. What's the best way of doing that? By loving others. How does one love others? Well, part of that is loving yourself. How does one love oneself? By knowing oneself. I don't know myself very well. PROBLEM!!!

This is not to say that I am taking the present-day psychological theory of loving myself before loving others. To the contrary, my first priority below loving Christ is loving others. But if I do get to know and understand myself better, I will not get as easily frustrated and let myself get in the way of loving others. In fact, that will make loving others easier and better for me!

But let's not be so vague about this subject. On to specifics!

I have been told all my life, through various means and ways, that I am a "leader"-type personality.

• My Zodiac Sign by year and month: "Flaming Tiger, these people make great leaders."
• My Astrological Sign: Aries; I think there's something in there about being a leader...
• Online surveys I've taken when I had a Myspace account: leader.

Every time that has happened, I have denied it. This is because I have seen what previous leaders have done wrong, and I don't want that life. Much like Aragorn in the Lord of the Rings trilogy not wanting to be King because of what his ancestors had done in their reign ("They corrupted the blood of men and broke their own lines by taking glory for themselves, killing themselves and not bearing sons"), even though he was the rightful heir!

Also, I have not liked those results because deep down somewhere I don't want a test or survey defining who I am. They are foreign substances to Chirst and because Christ is my first priority, I will not have anything else competing for it.

Anyways, about a week and a half ago, I had two major talks about "finding myself". One was with Rabbit, in which I voiced my objections to finding myself (listed above). He said I should still do it, and I kinda brushed it off, and I shouldn't have done that, but I was frustrated about it. Then I talked with my good friend PC and we had a long tak about it. We came to the conclusion that I need to find myself in order to know better who I am, but instead of something else defining me, why not let Christ do it? So all I needed to do was ask God, "Who am I?" and he would answer?! This sounded much easier to do and exactly in line with my priorities, so I did it. I prayed to God that he would tell me who I am in Him, and that it would happen very soon. And in the near future after that, I got my answer.

The next day (Friday), I met with my discipler, Chris Camping (a.k.a. "Camping", also my Bible Study Leader from last year), and explained my situation to Him over lunch (first tuna melt sandwich I ever had... mmm, they're good). After the meal, he had me sit down at his computer and take an online Myers-Briggs personality test to help me get started. When I finished, I came out ENTJ (Extravert-Introversion-Thinking-Judging). It labled me as a leader; specifically, "A Field Marshal". I laughed at that and thought, "Yeah, that's pretty much me." (I have toyed with the idea of being some sort of military general, like Patton, "being a primadonna about leading things and knowing it", loving the work I do, etc.) It also said that "ENTJs make up 1.8 percent of the population." That made me think, "Wow. I'm in a really small percentage of the population personality-wise? Well, that's kinda cool, and I suppose it might explain alot of things, but I'm not sure I want to be in that small a sliver..." You see? I was starting to deny it again. But then, when I was talking to Camping about it, we came to the conclusion that this was an accurate description of my personality, and that I should think about it. Perhaps that was what Christ defined me as, or at least a start on it.

So, I went home, because I usually go home one weekend each month. Despite having my car break down and getting towed, and being busy with family and other things I wanted to do while I was at home, I let the thoughts about that test and everything else behind it simmer in my head for awhile. When I found breaks at home that weekend, I sat down and thought some more about it. And I came to some very different conclusions about leadership, things I had never thought about before...

• The bad parts about leadership (corruption, making wrong choices when knowing better, etc.) can be more associated with ruling, not leading.
• I am not a ruler, certainly not. Christ is the ruler of my life.
• One can still be a leader and not a ruler. This could mean a leader under a ruler. If I am a leader, I am under Christ, my ruler.
• If I am to be a leader, I would be in there with Christ to show other leaders how one can lead and not be corrupt.
• I am Neil Mullins, Leader in Christ.

Wait a minute. What was that I just said? I am a "Leader in Christ"? I like the sound of that. (This thought was made awhile ago, not now.)

So.Just as Aragorn accepted his heirship to the throne when he accepted the sword Anduril from Lord Elrond in Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, I have finally come to terms with who Christ says I am and I have accepted it. Praise be to Jesus, my Lord and God! Now, I have a base for finding myself. I can take a look at all the words that are under that title and see which of them fit me Then I can describe myself! And, though that phase of the process hasn't started yet, I have a base for it now. A jumping-off point if you will. I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me with that.

It's finally begun... yesss!!!